Finding Your Soulmate and The Pain and Struggle of Distance

Its a raw experience, one that we all think we know till we feel it. Its one that shakes us, breaks us down, washing what we thought we knew about love away. It is a traumatizing and wonderful experience and feeling all at once. Its the person who doesn’t complete you or make you whole, they are an extension, as if you are connected by an unbreakable thread, and you both are on either end. And it feels like that thread wraps around you both, keeping you both together as if it was glue. An unbreakable bond of spirit. They help you become more than you realized you could be.

Finding that person is something we all search for.

My meeting my fiance, us ending up together normally wouldn’t have happened under the circumstances on which we met. Nothing bad, just highly unlikely.

Back in August 2010, I had just moved into my new apartment with my then Boyfriend and a Roommate in Indiana. I hadn’t found work yet, so aside from keeping the place clean and looking for work, I didn’t have much else to do. One day a friend of mine who I went to High School with in Virginia messaged me. He asked if I knew about TeamSpeak and if I would be willing to use it if I didn’t have it on my computer. He was a part of a chat room that was nothing but guys, and he felt they needed a female in the group, and I was the only one he could think of that could keep up (as in with games, science, and their type of humor). 

I had finished everything needed so I said why not and downloaded TS and joined the chat room. There was one guy who I got on pretty well with, but we never swapped information. No finding each other on Facebook, no exchanging emails, nothing. I didn’t know how to use TS so I didn’t book mark the channel, so unless my friend gave me the address for the chat room again, I wouldn’t be able to rejoin. I never got the address. 

A year passed and I had removed TS from my computer. Issues sprang up forcing me, my bf, and our son back down to my home town in Virginia. A week or so later, through a female friend of mine I met John. He was pretty cool and we became really great friends. He and my friend started to date again (long distance dating, since he lives in the UK), they had dated previously but for reasons unknown to me they had broken up. Issues occurred, I broke up with my bf, and she moved in with us. More issues arose and my ex was then kicked out due to him trying to control what was going on in my life outside of our child.

One day my friend asked if I had TS on my computer, told her I used to and that I could get it again. So I did, she wanted to talk with John in a chat room. So once it was set up she and I joined the chat. As we all were talking, I began to think John’s voice sounded really familiar. I then saw his Nickname in the chat and it clicked. I had met him previously before my friend introduced me to John. And I immediately told him, and he remembered, both of us flipping out because what where the chances that happening.

Time passed, I stopped dating for a year to better understand myself and what I was looking for in a partner, my ex had pretty all but stopped talking to me and refused to help out with my son’s expenses, and even said he gave up his parental rights to him. I still remained great friends with John, he had become one of my best friends, helping me keep my head on straight and working through things when I was too upset to figure things out clearly.

My friend eventually moved out. And then there was a lull in my and John’s conversing. We still talked, but not as much. 

Some more time passed and I had started dating again, but was at a point of just giving up finding someone. I messaged John to see how he was doing and he told me my friend was breaking up with him. I was honestly surprised and upset, I thought they were great together, but I knew there were reasons that I didn’t know, so all I could do was comfort John and try my best to keep him cheered up. (I saw how he was when she tried to visit him in England but was denied entry into the country, yeah, wasn’t a pleasant sight to see, he was absolutely miserable).

So because I didn’t want that to happen to him again, I did my best to keep him smiling and happy. About a month or so passed and he was no longer bothered by the break up. We spent hours talking, hanging out on Google, enjoying each others company and just being friends. Then around the beginning of April, a random thought hit me. I thought about what having his last name to mind sounded like. I froze and flipped out. ‘Why would I think that? I can’t! Nonononononononono bad! He is my friends ex! And he lives in a different country, why would I want another long distance relationship? The last one ended in me being a single parent!’. I did my best to force those thoughts of him and I together out of my mind. Didn’t work.

I found out a week later, I wasn’t the only one dealing with those kinds of thoughts. He too was struggling for similar reasons (minus the single parent bit), I’m his ex’s friend, he didn’t want another long distance relationship. It got to a point that we joked a little about it, calling those forbidden thoughts and feelings our Balrogs. That we had accidentally dug too deep with our friendship and released something from the dark depths.

So we did our best to assemble Gandalf and the many armies of Middle Earth to combat our Balrogs. Yeeeeah, it didn’t go so well. The Balrogs grew, his ate middle earth, and mine just skipped merrily through, knocking the armies and Gandalf off to the side as if they were rain drops bouncing off.

We couldn’t fight against them anymore, we had to give in or stop talking altogether, and the latter wasn’t an option, we were too good of friends that stop talking to each other would suck big time.

We admitted to each other we had started developing feelings for each other, so we decided he would come and visit, and we would see if there was anything, but not start a relationship before then, and that we would keep it secret until we knew (thinking, no point in upsetting his ex/my friend or getting anyones hopes up if there wasn’t anything).

Well, exactly how well do any plans like this work out? They usually don’t unless there really isn’t much there to cause the plan to fail. A week later, he had some friends over, and we were all chatting. Chris, sat there watching John and I talk for about 5 minutes, got up walked out. John and I were confused by this. A few minutes later Chris came back in, sat down next to John in front of the computer and looked directly at me. He asked me “Do you fancy John?”, I was shocked by the question and he asked it again. Knowing what John and I had planned, I didn’t know how to answer. I decided to be honest and I said yes, he then turned to John and asked if he fancied me. John also said yes. Chris then just said “there ya go” and sat there satisfied with himself.

Apparently, it had been obvious to everyone else around us, for a reaaaaally long time now, that we had an interest in each other, even when we didn’t know it. When we made it official that we were together, a lot of people responded with “finally”, “its about time”, “I knew it”. 

Ever since then, John and I have gone through ups and downs, ins and outs, but we have come out of all of it stronger. We want to be with each other, we want to be in each others life, and have each other in our life. We have been tested time and again, and still come out of it. Yes we were’t unscathed, and yes some of the tests were very rough on us, but we haven’t given up on each other.

Now we are going through another test, one of time, distance, and willingness to seek help. We have been together for almost 2 years, and known each other for almost 4 years. We are engaged and haven’t seen each other for a year now. He is a wonderful man, and very loving to both me and my son, and my son loves him and has even started to call him Daddy. We are having problems financially and need help to get the money so we can get the visas needed for my son and myself. John can afford the plane tickets, he can afford to support us, and he can afford our wedding. But because of health issues, being betrayed, and now the up most need to move due to the house falling apart, he has had to use the money he had saved up.

So we have to ask for help, even if its just 5 an nothing more, that is more than helpful. Little amounts build up. Please, help our family be reunited. Donate, share/reblog, or both. Any help at all is greatly appreciated by the both of us. We really do not want to have to spend any more time apart from each other.

Many thanks and Blessings to you

GoFundMe to be Rejoined with my Fiance

Phantom Wounds: When the Past Bleeds Through to the Present

This, I have never talked about with a lot of people except some of my closest friends. Phantom wounds. We all probably have heard about the Phantom limbs experience, either if you are an amputee yet you still feel as if the limb is still there, or if you are one who identifies as Otherkin, then you might feel as if you have ears, tail, wings, etc.

Something I haven't really seen talked discussed about is Phantom wounds. Wounds either inflicted spiritually or that were experienced in a past life that seem to crop up again in the present life, yet there are no physical signs or placements of where those wounds are/were. I experience two different Phantom wounds, from what I can guess are two different past lives because I have not experienced any spiritually inflicted wounds (at least not to my knowledge).

The first one, and longest one I've experienced, even since I was a child, was a pain in my chest. One that isn't for cause of worry (had it checked before). Anytime I start to feel it, it feels like I have a pole sticking out of my chest. Well, if you have read my blog about remembering past lives, you know in the one I spoke about I died due to taking a spear to the chest.

The other one, I don't know the origins of just yet, but with it acting up recently I have a feeling I will. This one is only as I can describe as a slash to the face. Going diagonally from the middle of my forehead, over my right eye, and stopping just at the cheek.

I've felt this wound a few times but it had never caused any kind of discomfort or pain like the first one has. Today, it has done just that. It started up out of nowhere, a searing pain down my face and over my eye. It even caused that eye to blur for a while, but now it has just turned to a dull ache. It feels almost as if I had recently been injured.

I can think I will be gaining memories of the life in which I experienced receiving this wound, its the only reason I can come up with as to why it would start acting up like it has.

And for those who may never have experienced phantom wounds before, it feels like any other pain. I have bad knees, and there are day when I can't walk very well because of the pain they cause. These phantom wounds feel just as physical as these physical injuries I am dealing with from my teen years. They cause pain, and I actually feel it. They happen at random and I never know when I will feel them.