Struggling with an Identity

If you've read my previous blogs, you know I've touched on the subject already; talking about the lack of cultural identity that many American's face. In this one I will be getting more personal about the struggle's I face with being one of many who have lost any connection to any of my ancestral heritage.

I am American born, from a family that has been here for many generations, even more depending on the part of my family you focus on. While my ancestry on my father's side is more unknown to me because I have yet to be given a lot of info aside from O'Hanlon, on my mother's side I come from a few lines. I'm an Esplin, I'm a Duncan, I'm a Litostansky. There is rumor (have yet to find physical proof, just word of mouth from family) that the father of one of my Great Gandmother's on my mother's side was Algonquin. In total heritage wise, I have been told I am Irish, Scottish, Welsh, English, French, German-Dutch, Polish, and Algonquin (been told I am also of Cherokee, but haven't found the family link yet).

The point I bring all of this up is simple, I have no culture. I don't have a cultural identity because I grew up away from it all. I had a few years being exposed to Lakota traditions, but I was never raised in it. I wasn't raised in any culture. (Redundant, I know)

I feel lost in so many ways when it comes to what and who I am. I've had to depend on where I have felt called to follow spiritually, which in turn has lead me to take even a closer look at my heritage/genetics. I am a Northern Tradition Pagan, I feel called to the Norse gods and many of the practices, but because I've had no one to teach me the traditions I don't call myself a Heathen and instead; I create my own path with what I have learned from the Sagas and my connection with the Gods I follow.

Even though I follow the path I create, that still doesn't mean I don't feel a certain emptiness when it comes to culture. And that is simply because the US doesn't have a culture aside from the many different indigenous cultures (which are closed cultures to outsiders and only the rare few who get adopted into the cultures or have been able to prove their heritage and are allowed to join their tribe, are allowed to learn and partake in said culture).

I'm a mutt with no home, and I know I'm not the only one that feels like this. Its because of this that I seek the path that I seek, but its been difficult due to many from the origins of those cultures not always being very welcoming to outsiders. Which I can understand due to some who are seeking to learn only wanting to so they can abuse what they've been taught to make money off of it.

I know eventually I will find a way to find my cultural home, even if it means I must create one to teach to my son and any future children. So future generations of my family will not feel the way that I feel and will have their home. I know its possible that the ancestors from the other bloodlines that run through our veins can call to them to lead them to another path. Which in a sense is how things are with myself and my mother. The native indigenous ancestors of our family have called to her and she has followed to the best of her ability as she can, while for me, my European ancestry has called to me.

Cultures have come and gone on this planet, and new ones will arise over time, which is why I've begun to think while learning about my ancestry and practices are good, I must create my own if I am to feel at home. Which in turn means I must do my best to make sure I do not appropriate from other cultures, that I don't use practises and items that are unique to a specific culture (like native headdress's and many other items from other cultures).